I Could've Been an Assenisipian

Among Thomas Jefferson's unfortunately neglected ideas are a series of names he proposed for states to be founded in the then-Northwest Territories, which is to say, the lands between the Appalachians and the Mississippi. The New York Times discussed these names in an 1889 article. Especially relevant is the proposed name of the region that is now northern Illinois and southern Wisconsin: Assenisipia, after the Assenisipi (or, as it is known to the white man, the Rock River). Why, the name is positively pulchritudinous, if I do say so myself. I resolve to write the federal government to propose the breakup of the states of Illinois and Wisconsin so that Jefferson's original intention may be honored.

Moar Historical Attack Ads

So, this video is almost as funny as the Kant video below. Some of the names the Founders called one another. . . a more enterprising blogger might write a post comparing the characteristics that people in their time thought disqualified a candidate for election to those that disqualify candidates today. I, for one, don't retreat from the belief that a man raised by a half-squaw on hoe cakes has any place in the halls of American power.

Kant: Wrong for America

Here, in this season of political ads, it is only fair to consider the philosophers as well:

How Free Is Free Speech?

As you may be aware, the universally-despised nutcases from the Westboro Baptist Church are defending their right to free speech before the Supreme Court. Meanwhile, over at FPR, Mr Fox suggests that maybe we should restrict this particular sort of free speech, even though we all admit that the only harm it causes is to make some people who are already having a bad day — viz., the bereaved family of a dead soldier — have a rather worse day.

It's true that I've always felt a bit uncomfortable around die-hard 1st-Amendment supporters; perhaps that's because I've never felt the inclination to express anything that anybody would care to stop me from saying. But at the same time, it seems a bit ominous to restrict the exercise of free speech when it has no deleterious effect on anybody's well-being (except feelings, which the law rarely takes into account), or even on anyone's reputation (as libel and slander might).

Ought we to fight to the death — like Voltaire is said to have proposed — for the right of these deluded, hateful people to say what they want? Or are some things simply not worth fighting for?

Founding Father Insults, Vol. 2

Collected in the Philadelphia "Port-folio" in 1802, and is cited as having been written by "THE SAGE OF MONTECELLO." To the tune of "Yankee Doodle," if you will.

Et etiam fusco grata colore Venus. - Ovid

Of all the damsels on the green,
On mountain, or in valley,
A lass so luscious ne'er was sen
As Monticellian Sally.

Yankee doodle, whose the noodle?
What wife were half so handy?
To breed a flock, of slave for stock,
A blackamoor's the dandy.

Search every town and city through,
Search market, street and alley;
No dame at dusk shall meet your view,
So yielding as my Sally.
Yankee doodle, &c.

When press'd by loads of state affairs,
I seek to sport and dally,
The sweetest solace of my cares
Is in the lap of Sally.
Yankee doodle, &c.

Let Yankee parsons preach their worst—
Let tory Whittling's rally!
You men of morals! and be curst,
You would snap like sharks for Sally. *
Yankee doodle, &c.

She's black you tell me—grant she be—
Must colour always tally?
Black is love's proper hue for me—
And white's the hue for Sally.
Yankee doodle, &c.

What though she by the glands secretes;
Must I stand stil-I shall-I?
Tuck'd up between a pair of sheets
There's no perfume like Sally †
Yankee doodle, &c.

You call her slave—and pray were slaves
Made only for the galley?
Try for yourselves, ye witless knaves—
Take each to be your Sally.

Yankee doodle, whose the noodle?
Wine's vapid, tope me brandy—
For I still find to breed my kind
A negro-wench the dandy!

_____

* It appears that neither of the lovers agree with our Milton, who represents the angel Raphael, upon being asked the question whether the Heavenly Spirits love! answering

With a smile that glow'd
Celestial rosy RED, love's proper hue.

But de gustibus non disputandem—The Montecellian lovers are not altogether angels.

† They (the blacks) secrete less by the kidnies, and more by the glands of the skin, which gives them a very strong and disagreeable odor.

Seems the tea-baggers are in good historical company, no? For reference purposes, though, all of the italicizations are from the original text, if you can believe it — though, the image was not. It certainly makes Jon Stewart's political commentary seem more tame.

Alaskans sing out

This isn't as funny as it could've been -- which is saying something for a combination Gilbert-and-Sullivan-anti-Sarah-Palin-attack-ad.

Singing through countless ages

As if we needed any more reasons to loathe the voice of Christians crying out for the realization of their religious fervor (and Catholics, I mean you, too) the Christian (and Jewish, if you can believe it) reaction to xenophobically misnomered 'Ground Zero Mosque' is doing it's best to give us one.

Setting aside the question of the mosque's propriety, constitutionality, sensitivity, relevance, etc., isn't it enough for Christians to know that their detractors will burn in an everlasting holocaust of pain and despair? I can't imagine that oppressing them for the blink of time that is their earthly existence is going to have much of an effect.

But then again, I'm not this guy.